Do a fast online search and also you’ll find the term “platonic co-parenting” trending on all social media platforms. In recent years, the concept two people will be friends and never lovers while raising children has change into more “normalized,” even amongst Christian believers. Taking it a step further, the 2 people involved don’t even need to be friends. They will be ex-spouses, ex-lovers, and even strangers who met in a coffee shop or through one among the growing online matching platforms for people trying to start a family in non-traditional ways.
At first glance, one might think, “What’s the massive deal? If each parties are loving and create an agreed-upon structure, what’s the harm?” Platonic co-parenting might even appear to be a creative, modern, and progressive response to the rising fatherlessness and divorce rates running rampant in Christian homes. But is that this family model sustainable? More importantly, is it God’s intention for a thriving home?
What Does the Research Show about Co-Parenting?
Understandably, one might change into discouraged, disillusioned, and downright depressed when the state of today’s “Christian” family. As a wedding coach, I hear story after story of couples who began well only to observe their marriage corrode into bitter brawls and monumental misunderstandings. I’m often their “last ditch effort” before filing for divorce. Most of my clients have children. Though these couples admittedly don’t wish to create a “broken home,” they often surmise that a divorce can be a “higher option” than the constant tension their children encounter in the house.
I definitely empathize with this pondering. However, studies, each secular and Christian, show that having each a mother and father in the house is probably the most stable environment for a toddler to grow up in. Brad Wilcox, a sociologist on the University of Virginia, says the research is pretty eye-opening. He points to a study that shows children who’re raised in married households perform higher educationally, economically, and emotionally.
A recent Pew Research shows nearly half of adults consider the trend of raising children in households with single parents will negatively impact the country’s future. In her recent book, The Two-Parent Privilege, Economist Melissa Kearney analyzed data-backed research from dozens of economists, sociologists, and psychologists and located that married parents were a typical denominator affecting a toddler’s success.
Don’t Throw the Baby Out with the Bathwater
With the pressure of marriage (27 Dresses, anyone?) heaped unwillingly on many wannabe parents, the appeal of a marriage-less family could appear enticing. I get it. We aren’t doing such an incredible job showcasing godly marriages which might be thriving within the long haul. But do we want to throw the infant out with the bathwater? In an try and skirt away from the pressures of a romantic partnership and subsequently the pain of a divorce, wannabe parents can concentrate on one thing: their child.
In this scenario, these parents can get along without getting involved, producing what they see as reduced conflict, stable financial support, mutual sharing of responsibilities, and accountability. I can see how this may increasingly work in a secular context. But for many who live to please the Lord and operate by His standards, they’ll must slow their roll. Marriage and family are usually not sociological issues, primarily; they’re theological issues. God instituted the primary marriage and the primary family. So, let’s turn to Scripture to see what He says, lets?
The Biblical Case for a Marriage-Led Family
In the start, God established the family as the muse for a flourishing human society. In Genesis 2:18, God said of Adam, “It just isn’t good that the person ought to be alone; I’ll make him a helper fit for him.” God had given Adam the responsibility of caring for creation. Though no children were yet on the scene, if God realized Adam would wish some help caring for non-human life, how much more help would he must look after human life?
After God created Eve, he told them together to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). Most Christians understand fruitful on this context to mean the fruit of 1’s loins. But the multiply part? That’s not taught as much. I feel God intended for Adam and Eve to not only come together sexually to provide latest life, but additionally to multiply or replicate the image and intent of God within the earth. As their children saw them relate to at least one one other in a holy marriage, they’d learn the way to relate to a holy God. This gets lost in platonic co-parenting.
And then there’s he elephant within the room—covenant. While most don’t wish to view marriage as an irrevocable agreement between two parties, that is strictly what it’s. Marriage was never imagined to be temporary or tepid. The covenant was God’s protection of stability for the husband, wife, and kids. Anything less is like constructing a house on sand. It might look pretty, but it’s going to wash away within the storms of life. Plus, where else will children study love, sacrifice, and faithfulness? The covenental relationship between the husband and the wife serves as this foundational framework.
Greater Love Has No One Than This
Jesus famously said, “Greater love has nobody than this, that somebody lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). A significant life lesson that marriage teaches children is sacrifice—the very act of giving up your individual desires in favor of something greater. When children witness their parents loving, hurting, repenting, forgiving, and refocusing, it sears sacrifice of their minds like hot coals.
We’ve been duped into pondering that peace and happiness are the last word goals in life. However, peace and happiness are by-products of a lifetime of obedience and calling. If you should know if someone truly loves you, see how much he/she is willing to sacrifice for you. Anything lower than that just isn’t love; it’s leverage. It’s not selfless; it’s selfish. It’s not sustainable; it’s surfacey. Sustainability involves each spiritual and emotional flourishing—the depth of wholeness (shalom) that God intends for each member of the family.
So can platonic co-parenting work? Sure—on a practical level. Two responsible adults can share financial responsibilities for the youngsters. But for the Christian, the main target shouldn’t be on what “works” but on what’s God’s best. I don’t consider platonic co-parenting is God’s best or intended purpose or plan for human flourishing since it lacks the covenantal calling and spiritual foundation that sustains love through every season of life. Without this divine design, even probably the most well-intentioned partnerships will likely struggle to experience the fullness of the relational wholeness God intended for his family.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/skynesher
