Studies show that there are two major seasons of life when divorce is commonest, and these seasons share an undeniable link. The first is the postpartum timeframe as latest parents adjust to the demands of a baby, and the second is the season of perimenopause and menopause. These life phases are tied together by nature’s toll on the girl’s body, and, subsequently, her mind and emotions.
The woman feels trapped in a body that’s each unfamiliar and seemingly self-imploding. This makes it hard for her to convey what she is really experiencing, especially when she doesn’t feel there’s time or, worse, a necessity, to share her struggles in between changing diapers, packing lunches, and ensuring the household continues running easily.
This places communication between a husband and wife on a slippery slope, as his inability to completely understand his wife’s experiences leaves him feeling too uneducated and, sometimes, too afraid to broach the topic along with her. The lack of communication on his part makes it unimaginable for him to explore empathy, and it leaves the wife feeling unseen and neglected.
Both parties are sometimes left at midnight, struggling against communication barriers they will’t quite discover. And as a lifelong member of the Church, I often wonder why pastors and leaders, particularly men, aren’t introducing these marital strains from the pulpit and inspiring couples in God-honoring communication.
In American culture, the very foundation of marriage is crumbling, so why aren’t Christian leaders and mentors throwing roadblocks and warning signs? Why aren’t they offering a healthier, safer route before it’s too late? Why aren’t we equipping Christian couples to be the beacon of sunshine and like to a culture whose idea of marriage is usually cynical, selfish, and even abusive?
I’m not a theologian, and humility won’t ever allow me to declare such a title, but as a married woman and mother who’s acquainted with today’s church culture, I feel there are several key ways Christian communities can encourage women to bring transparency about their physical and
emotional struggles to the surface to seek out healthy support before their marriages irreparably fracture:
Offer Quality Premarital Counseling
My husband and I had one one-hour premarital session with our pastor before we were wedded, and while I like this former pastor dearly, one hour isn’t sufficient to walk a latest couple through the ups and downs of a lifelong commitment. It’s time that pastors, no matter denomination, offer quality premarital counseling that takes time, dedication, and vulnerability from each parties.
I recall the variety of weddings I even have been in, and the way I knew two of them weren’t going to last. I saw too many unhealthy habits from either or each future spouses, but I said nothing, believing it wasn’t my place to get in the best way of one other couple’s “happiness.” To at the present time, I feel partially chargeable for the nasty, hateful divorces that ensued, wondering if my willingness to be vulnerable and uncomfortable would have prevented an unhealthy union. Or, higher yet, I ponder if I could have employed that very same vulnerability to supply them encouragement and support before their marriage reached a degree of no return.
The Church must get uncomfortable where marriage is anxious, not only stating the biblical truth that marriage is between just one man and one woman for all times, but that marriage is messy, hard, and shouldn’t be entered evenly. There is a reason it isn’t just vows on a chunk of paper that may fade but a God-ordained covenant meant to reflect the love between God and His Church.
Pastors and church leaders, don’t do the brand new couples of your congregation a cruel disservice by watering down the premarital counseling session. Don’t let it turn out to be a shallow box to be checked. Convene with God, pray to Him concerning each unique couple, and use the Spirit’s discernment and wisdom to patiently walk a latest couple through the realities of marriage, the seasons that may try them, and the ways they will communicate with one another and, most significantly, God, to survive the hard times.
Allow Women to Encourage and Counsel Couples
It’s easy for a girl to shut down if she’s the one female within the room. She’s the odd woman out, the just one who understands the emotional weight of carrying, birthing, and nursing a baby. She’s the just one whose body will turn her hormones the wrong way up with hot flashes and emotional meltdowns that make her feel as if she doesn’t know who she is. She knows the boys within the room can’t fully understand, so she’s going to often remain quiet, even when the boys surrounding her are kind and respectful.
It’s time for the church to let women speak into marriages and share their perspectives with men. This avenue of female communication can’t guarantee that a person shall be receptive, because that’s a difficulty of the center, but it’s going to leave him the knowledge and resources to raised understand and honor his wife through seasons when he should carry the heavier load.
Perhaps the pastor and his wife should each take part in counseling latest couples. Perhaps the church can offer newlywed Bible studies and mentorship opportunities where seasoned husbands and wives can come alongside young couples to create long-lasting relationships full of wisdom for the hard seasons ahead.
Don’t Neglect the Seasoned Couples
Just as seasoned couples are sometimes believed to have all of the wisdom, they’re continually walking through latest seasons of life, too. Pastors and church leaders, don’t allow the fear of time constraints and busy schedules to maintain you from promoting marriage support and counseling for husbands and wives of all seasons.
Don’t be so concerned with attendance and people-pleasing that you simply aren’t daring enough to walk up to a few and check in with their marriage, asking how you’ll be able to pray for and support them. Don’t be so concerned with politics that you simply skirt the chance to grasp what women experience emotionally, physically, and mentally, and don’t be blind to the pressures today’s husbands feel, too.
Education, wisdom, and vulnerability must come together if the Church desires to see healthy marriages where women are honored and understood, and where men have the knowledge and tools to like and lead their wives well. We can’t expect marriages to last if we don’t offer the obligatory resources to sustain them.
I often consider Luke 12:48, which says, “To whom much is given, much shall be required.” It’s a weighty verse when paralleled with Proverbs 18:22, “He who finds a large finds what is nice and receives favor from the LORD.” What more treasure are you given, how way more could satisfy, than the favor of the Lord? And since a husband has such favor from the Lord through his wife, he’s held to a high standard. It is required of him that he love her as Christ sacrificial loves His church (Ephesians 5:25).
The Church would do well to create a spiritually sound, loving environment where women can share their struggles and never only feel heard but be honored and valued. I pray today’s American congregations would consider how they serve (or don’t serve) married couples and proactively delegate ministries and healthy leaders (female and male) to satisfy their needs in totality.
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Cunaplus_M.Faba
