Lucy West in her debut book, The Wait, shares the pain and anguish she and her husband Lindz felt once they were diagnosed with ‘unexplained infertility’. After an eight-year journey of trying to start out a family, the couple went on to adopt their two ‘chosen children’, thus fulfilling their dream of becoming parents.
Christian Today spoke with West to listen to more about their journey, the misconceptions surrounding infertility, and the way the church supported them through their difficult season.
What went through your mind whenever you were diagnosed with ‘unexplained infertility’?
For some people, to be told their infertility is ‘unexplained’ can feel like an unlimited relief. It gives hope that it could still occur if they simply carry on trying. Sadly for me, it sort of prolonged the agony, it suddenly threw away any signposts that told me where I used to be going would someday end and what help we could get, and threw an extended empty road ahead of us, with no answers along the way in which. Strangely, now we have been told that we could still get pregnant any day, so there has never quite been closure on it, although I’m completely at peace with that now.
The subtitle of your book is ‘finding peace when facing the challenge of infertility’. What does peace within the midst of difficult times seem like to you?
I remember Bill Johnson from Bethel church preaching once on Jesus sleeping within the boat as a storm raged throughout. He talked about how, if we will have peace in the course of that storm, then the storm ultimately has no power over us. Now, I even have huge respect for anyone walking through pain who can declare they’ve a deep, unexplainable peace. I think it may well just come, but more often than not now we have to decide on to walk into it, decide to put God first, decide to lift our hands and worship at the same time as they tremble. Not a straightforward call, but there’s way more security in Jesus fairly than our difficult circumstances.
You have chosen to share your story because there are still so many misconceptions and misunderstandings surrounding infertility and childlessness. What misconceptions did you encounter?
There may be very little understanding about infertility and childlessness should you have not been through it yourself before. Even walking with someone, I do not think you may ever feel the entire array of emotions, so there are still views held that could be very painful, but I do know they only come through a lack of know-how. I felt from comments we heard that some people thought we were putting work first, and that we were being selfish for this reason. We had people asking if we had spoken something negative over ourselves so it was our fault we weren’t getting pregnant. There were the views that it was embarrassing for us, or awkward for others to seek advice from us. Like any type of grief, it is simply too easy for people to cross the road or pretend they have not seen you within the supermarket (yes, we had that persistently, a fast look away and busying themselves with reading a cereal packet!). All of those attitudes I understood, but they did cut us deeply, and I think it led to me feeling so different to everyone else. This in turn brought a deep sense of shame that clouded plenty of my journey and stripped away a lot of who I used to be, or believed I used to be, during those difficult years. I might love infertility and childlessness to be talked about more, brought into the open and seen as more ‘normal’ should you like. I believe this is able to take a few of that shame away.
Did you’re feeling supported by your personal church and do you’re feeling the broader Church more generally knows learn how to meet the very specific pastoral needs of ladies living with infertility?
We were definitely supported by individuals inside the church. The pastor and his wife were good friends and prayed with us rather a lot over those years. I believe though, the Church as an entire is not great at supporting those with differences like we had. The Church is of course very geared around family as we talk lots about all being a part of God’s family, and stepping up and supporting individuals with children because it is a tough job raising them. These are all beautiful things in themselves, but when you’re desperate for your personal children, any talk of families, or openly celebrating the moms or fathers’ on those special days for instance, could be very painful.
There are still subjects that usually are not repeatedly addressed by the Church – we’re convalescing as an entire, but I do consider more testimony must be invited from the front. To hear how someone copes day after day in a wheelchair, for instance, gives us insight into how the world is mostly not built for those with a disability like that, and the way we will help to remove stigmas or physical difficulties.
Talking about childlessness means we address the elephant within the room and permit conversation, fairly than others being afraid to go near it. I wish people had talked to me about grief more before this happened to us. I had no idea this is able to be a variety of grieving and would knock us down so hard. I didn’t feel I used to be ‘allowed’ to grieve as we hadn’t lost a physical person. With education, and hearing people’s stories of navigating their very own pain, we will bring more understanding to the broader population and help people to feel less alone of their struggles.
In your book you document the frustration you felt when your rounds of IVF failed. Frustrations and faith can exist at the identical time. How vital is it for people to listen to this?
It’s ever so vital! I used to consider that you just were either stuck in a valley, climbing a mountain, or having fun with the attractive views, never stopping for long, at all times moving to the following a part of your journey in life. Now I think that pain and joy could be waving along at the exact same time, almost like two roller coasters concurrently passing one another. I knew that writing my book, I needed to speak in regards to the depths of pain reached, as I wanted to point out how resilience and hope can get you thru anything, but I knew it might be harder to include the element of joy that may hit you even inside the darkest moments.
For me, an example was after IVF, suddenly realising the following day that I had more time alone with my precious husband, I could have more lie-ins and money to spend frivolously on ourselves! This euphoria didn’t last long before the fact of our situation hit again, but I do consider that joy could be present in the toughest of times.
I remember walking round a park with my heart a melted, broken mess, and a robin hopped as much as me and I cried tears of pure joy. I believed and still do, that was God’s smile, He selected to inject that joy just once I needed it most. It’s vital to know each can co-exist so we do not feel guilty once we feel joy. If we’re grieving a loved one, then have a day where you smile and laugh. This can hit us hard after the event and the guilt can overwhelm us, but it surely’s vital for the healing process to still find joy in life around us.
You and your husband Lindz decided to adopt and you think this was God’s will for you all along. What impact did this have in your walk with God?
On so many levels now we have seen God through the adoptions. Just seeing how perfectly all of us fit together blows my mind. They have been hand-picked for us, and we were hand-picked for them! It says to me: in the event that they are so us, then we were speculated to undergo all of that pain to get to the purpose we were at once they were able to be adopted. Then I feel that it was all value it or we might never have met our kids. Pain, as many who’ve walked it know, is best passed through if we use it to assist others. I feel so grateful now that I can truly enjoy these children. We are grateful for them day by day of our lives, whether it’s a tough day or not – and there are many hard ones I have to add!)
I also feel grateful that I do know I’m strong enough to undergo hard times. I’m a resilient woman who’s willing to fight for what she believes has been promised. All of this has led me further into God’s outstretched arms. Looking back, I can see that God was with us at every turn, not necessarily removing the pain, but helping us navigate it, stand upon it, flex our faith muscles and move on stronger. When you’re through the opposite side (it’s hard to see whenever you enduring), you realise that James was very smart when he said the words, ‘Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it a chance for excellent joy. For you realize that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a probability to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will likely be perfect and complete, needing nothing’ (James 1:2-4). I do trust God more deeply now, and feel He can trust us to not walk away from Him when things get tough.
What has your experience with adoption been like and what advice do you could have for girls living with infertility?
Adoption has been incredibly wonderful and incredibly difficult at the identical time. Wonderful because I’m aware of the large gift now we have been given. For example, should you save and save for that bike, you’ll treasure it, clean it, protect it, maybe even enjoy it somewhat more, than if that bike was just one in every of many things sitting within the garage.
Every adoptive parent I even have spoken to tells of this deep sense of gratitude for what they’ve been given: a present, we consider, straight from God. It is difficult because I never got to hold my children or hold them as a newborn, and there are numerous unknowns about health, character and other things they might inherit genetically. Many studies have confirmed that children who’ve been adopted, nevertheless young, hold some type of separation trauma which may show itself in other ways as they grow old. In fact, I’m writing my second book about adoption – a guide for those with questions, and a resource talking in regards to the science behind brain connections and traumas children can undergo. It just fascinates me so I desired to create a resource with all the knowledge we want in a single place.
As for advice, every one going through infertility has a road to walk, and there will likely be grief in some form to be experienced. It has helped me to learn from others about ‘sitting’ with our grief, feeling every little bit of it and never attempting to rush through it, but grief is essentially the most horrible thing that could be all-consuming at one moment, and appear to vanish the following.
I might say, even when you would like to keep your journey a secret, ensure that you could have just a few people around you who can really support and love you thru this. People must know that you just are grieving, so being vulnerable and reaching out is so vital.
And ultimately, I need people to know they don’t have anything to be ashamed of. They usually are not broken, they are only going through something incredibly tough. Everyone has something they’re going through, so giving yourself grace and kindness right now is so vital. You are stronger than you’re thinking that, and even should you feel incredibly weak straight away, there really is light at the tip of the tunnel.
