“We must talk.” This is the one phrase that causes nearly every husband to run for the hills. Can’t you hear the strain in that statement? The fact is most men (and ladies, too) assume the “need” to speak is laced with conflict. And the vast majority of individuals are conflict-avoidant, hence the mad dash from imminent danger. It’s the “flight” response within the fight, flight, or freeze method we learned about in middle school Science. The problem with running from marriage conflict, though, is we lose the good thing about maturing in our Christian faith and growing in our marriage. Rather than viewing conflict as a hindrance to harmony, Christian couples are called to embrace it as a discipleship tool that shapes us into the image of Christ.
Harness Humility
Marriage will test your humility like nothing else. Ever heard the wedding joke, “My wife says I’m a know-it-all. I told her I already knew that”? Pride continuously beckons us, especially after we’re in conflict. We see things our way. We want things to go as we planned. We consider our answer is true. One of Jesus’s most tasty qualities was his humility. The Bible says, “Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the common-or-garden position of a slave and was born as a human being . . . he humbled himself in obedience to God” (Philippians 2:7-8a, NLT). Where are you holding on to your “privilege” in marriage as an alternative of lowering yourself in obedience to God? Is it more essential to be right or righteous? You resolve.
Practice Patience
Patience is a virtue. It can also be a fruit of the Spirit that’s cultivated through the climate of conflict. When you don’t get your way instantly, you must exercise patience towards your spouse as an alternative of succumbing to frustration, irritation, or impatience. Colossians 3:12 encourages believers to “clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience” (emphasis mine). Patience is a present you give your spouse, and it maintains unity and peace inside your marriage.
Some couples consider the less conflict they’ve in marriage, the healthier the wedding. However, this will not be so. I often say that if a pair isn’t having conflict, someone is lying. Surely, internal conflicts are happening that will never see the sunshine of day. Masking them only results in bitterness and, eventually, resentment.
The goal in marriage isn’t uniformity but unity. God doesn’t want you to be a carbon copy of your spouse, his ideas, personality, and even preferences. The beautiful thing about marriage is when two very different people decide to live and love in unity.
As conflict arises, you develop discernment about what truly matters and what (or who) is threatening the unity in your marriage. I often tell my marriage coaching clients, “Your spouse will not be the issue; the issue is the issue.” We need discernment to see all of the ways the Enemy is attempting to wreak havoc in our homes. We need discernment to grasp the root of the conflict as an alternative of specializing in the symptoms of the conflict. Praying together when conflict arises is probably the greatest ways to develop discernment and foster stronger unity in your marriage.
Learn to Listen
Most people can hear, but many don’t listen. Listening is a learned skill. The problem is most individuals hearken to respond, not to grasp. Jesus was a rare listener. He listened to his disciples’ fears. He listened to the story of the girl on the well. He listened to the questions asked of him by the Pharisees. And he listens to you and me. When we seek to first understand our spouse, even in conflict, we’re acting like Christ. Proverbs 18:13 reminds us, “To answer before listening— that’s folly and shame” (NIV). The next time conflict arises in your marriage, hearken to understand where your spouse is coming from. Listen to search out common ground. Listen to indicate grace where needed. Listen as Jesus did.
Embrace Empathy
Empathy is a buzzword in culture today, however it’s also integrated with the lifetime of Christ. Jesus showed great empathy for us—quite literally putting himself in our place. As conflict arises in your marriage, you’ll have the chance to place yourself in your spouse’s shoes. How must this feel for him/her? The key to real empathy will not be asking, “What would I do if I were my spouse?” But slightly asking, “What would my spouse do in the event that they were in that situation?”
Empathy isn’t about centering yourself but about centering the opposite person. It’s about putting their perspective and feelings on display. Empathy is the gateway to compassion, connection, and care in your marriage. Instead of avoiding conflict or suppressing emotions, embrace empathy by engaging your spouse in thought-provoking, real, and curious questions. This builds trust and provides a secure environment to your spouse to be vulnerable and so that you can model Christ.
Conflict often arises from misunderstandings or differing perspectives. This is why I created “Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict” as a strategy to help couples de-escate arguments and find common ground. Instead of focusing solely on proving your point, prioritize looking for understanding and respect to your spouse’s viewpoint. Proverbs 18:2 reminds us that “a idiot takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” By actively practicing humility, patience, discernment, listening, and empathy, your marriage might be strengthened and you’ll higher reflect the love, forgiveness, and charm of Christ to a world eager to see his image reflected in real devotion.
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