Christian Today speaks to Sonya Pascoe, bereavement trainer at Care for the Family, about her latest book The Grief Journey and the way churches can support individuals who have lost a loved one.
In your book you say that it’s normal to ask questions when coming to terms with death. Yet some believers can have been raised to never query God and feel like this can be a lack of religion. What would you say to them?
I’d say: try to not panic or let yourself be unduly concerned when you will have questions. When someone we’re near dies, grief can shake each us and our beliefs to the core. And itt might be completely normal to query God, perhaps asking ‘why did He allow this to occur?’, ‘why did God not answer my prayer for healing?’, or ‘where is God?’. All of those questions are normal, although not everyone will ask them.
Many times within the Bible, and particularly within the Psalms, we read of raw emotions like anguish and pain. For example, in Psalm 22, we hear David cry out to God, ‘My God, my God, why have you ever forsaken me? Why are you up to now from saving me, up to now from my cries of anguish?’
This is the natural outpouring of a grieving person’s thoughts and emotions and it’s alright to have feelings of doubt or fear. Perhaps sharing a few of these thoughts with someone you trust can be helpful.
In the Christian faith, God is sometimes called an ‘anchor’ in times of trouble. How can believers hold firmly onto God within the midst of grief?
The Bible is full of comforting verses and guarantees for people to lean on, and we even have a wealth of hymns and songs inside the Christian church that help bring comfort in these times.
People who’ve been bereaved often share how they find comfort and peace as they grieve, describing God as their rock or anchor for instance. I do know of others who haven’t had that peace within the initial days and that could be very normal. When we’re navigating grief, all the pieces in our lives can feel uncertain and that in fact can include our faith.
Having faith doesn’t mean that we now have to shut down the gut wrenching agony of our ‘whys’ or the deep sense of loss. But it could actually bring comfort to know that the doubts and questions are all a part of a grief journey.
Last 12 months our little granddaughter died before birth. We felt an almost crushing sadness. One of the toughest things was coming to terms with the lack of our hopes and dreams of not having one other grandchild in our family and seeing all that she would have been capable of achieve in her lifetime. An enormous hole gaped in our family and matched with our own grief was the agony of watching our daughter and son-in-law filled with pain in grief and heartbreak after the lack of their precious daughter. Somehow amidst the chaos that comes with grief, we did feel a way of comfort and hope.
I actually have heard many individuals tell their story, perhaps months and even years after the person they loved died, who say that looking back now, they will see God was their anchor. At the time they couldn’t all the time see it. It is difficult, but attempt to be patient and sort to yourself whilst grieving.
How can churches support people walking through a season of grief and bereavement?
Research tells us that many individuals turn to the Church after the death of a loved one. Those who’ve faith and people who don’t normally attend church. Perhaps they arrive for a spot to carry the funeral, or sometimes they’re looking for hope. This gives the Christian community an enormous opportunity to succeed in out to supply practical, emotional and spiritual support where appropriate.
There are some ways we will do that, especially within the early days and weeks equivalent to helping with funeral arrangements, providing meals or picking up shopping, babysitting or arranging a playdate for youngsters.
For those that have experienced loss, life doesn’t go ‘back to normal’ after some time. Instead, they will begin to grasp much more acutely the massive hole their loved one has left. Grief is lonely and plenty of of those going through loss can feel very isolated, especially if others act awkwardly or appear to avoid them.
Some churches have arrange bereavement cafés where anyone can come along and meet people. When they’re ready, they’ve a protected space to speak in regards to the one that has died or just how they themselves are feeling.
There is a few evidence to suggest that men sometimes find it tougher to open up about grief, so one church began a men’s walking group where men could come along and have a chance to speak as they walk.
Simple things go a protracted approach to reassure someone who’s grieving that they will not be on their very own. Sending texts or cards, phone calls, going for coffee and remembering anniversaries could make an enormous difference.
Can therapy and counselling be helpful to those fighting bereavement?
Everyone’s grief journey is exclusive. Different personalities will cope with bereavement in their very own way. Some will need to speak openly about their loss whereas others may are likely to isolate themselves. Whatever our personality, it could actually be helpful to talk to someone about how we’re feeling. Seeking extra support through counselling can offer a protected space where you possibly can speak openly and truthfully without worrying about what the listener is eager about you. Others may find it easier to talk to a trusted friend who they know will absorb what they are saying. Sharing how you’re feeling could be very often helpful to start out the technique of grieving.
Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say to someone experiencing bereavement. How can believers be a support in these moments?
Many people will find comfort within the message of God’s love. But glib or clichéd statements, equivalent to ‘They are in a greater place’ or ‘Everything happens for a reason’ or ‘They would not want you to be sad’ are unlikely to assist. Be reassured that it just isn’t our role to repair someone’s pain or grief – that’s inconceivable. But we may also help hugely by being prepared to listen.
When our granddaughter died, we had friends who listened. We probably repeated ourselves again and again and possibly still do, but they stayed and listened, time and again. We knew lots of our questions couldn’t be answered, but we were so grateful to those that allowed us to ask the questions anyway. They didn’t attempt to mend it or explain it away – they only listened and at times, cried together with us. They showed they care deeply by simply being there.
When it involves the complexities of loss, a number of the answers we long to provide will not be found this side of Heaven. But we all know a God who comforts and His promise to comfort those grieving is true. Even if it’s difficult to share this with them, we will pray this for them.
How is Care for the Family helping churches to support people through bereavement?
As people do often find it difficult to know what to say or do when someone is bereaved, we created training for churches to assist in giving confidence to walk towards someone who’s grieving fairly than leaving it to another person.
Our Bereavement Care Awareness Training is designed to equip individuals with a deeper understanding of the grieving process and provides practical advice on how their church can support bereaved people of their community. Anyone taken with hosting a session at their church can discover more on our website cff.org.uk/bereavement. The sessions can be found online and in person.
Another practical way of supporting those grieving is to supply them help or advice that they will access when the time is correct for them. There are many good books which might be suitable to recommend. At Care for the Family we now have produced a latest book, The Grief Journey, which could also be helpful. It’s an accessible, compassionate guide to navigating the initial weeks and months following loss, while providing hope for the longer journey.
