Emily grew up in church but slowly drifted away during her college years. She popped out and in of church buildings but never really found anything she would call “home.” That all modified when she went to a service at Krateo Church.
Krateo gave the impression of the proper place—a tight-knit community that embraced her with open arms. The sermons were hard-hitting and relevant, and the worship was dynamic. It didn’t take long for Emily to get plugged in. She threw herself into church activities, joined Bible studies, volunteered in ministries, and started attending their leadership training.
For the primary few months, every part felt right. The church was growing, and so was Emily. But slowly, when she became more committed, things began to vary. To keep her from “outside distractions,” Emily was encouraged to distance herself from family and friends who weren’t yet a part of the Krateo life. She chalked it as much as a commitment to holiness and a desire to see her grow spiritually. She desired to grow spiritually, so she was completely happy to spend her free time helping the church.
In December, Emily began dating a co-worker. Her budding romance prevented her from attending all the events at Krateo. The leaders expressed their disappointment and implied that her spiritual growth was in danger if she was not fully dedicated to the Krateo way. They subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, reminded her that “true followers of Christ sacrifice every part”. That likely meant she would want to sacrifice her latest relationship with Paul, her co-worker.
With a promising relationship now ended, depression looked as if it would surround Emily. To alleviate these feelings, she threw herself into the activities at church. When the depression mixed with the exhaustion of activity, she attempted to share her struggles with one in every of the pastors. It was not encouraging. She was rebuked for not trusting in God and reminded that this resulted from dating someone not a part of Krateo. She also said she needed to “trust the pastor’s vision” and never pull back. Questioning leadership, even barely, was viewed as revolt.
Over time, Emily felt she could not voice her thoughts or make decisions without the church’s approval. It had grow to be her only community, so she feared losing it. Though it made her feel uncomfortable, she was afraid to voice any concern when the pastors began scrutinizing her “worldly” spending. They had a latest constructing project and needed greater giving—assuring Emily that God’s blessing would come, but it surely also would rely upon her giving. Any questions she had in regards to the project’s financial details were met with resistance.
The final blow for Emily got here when she was diagnosed with a rare blood disorder. This would mean she needed to step back from a couple of commitments. Rather than responding with care, the leaders chided her for giving in to this “spiritual attack.” They threatened her that “isolating herself” would keep her from healing and might result in God’s judgment. Emily felt trapped. The church, which had once brought life, now felt like a jail.
Emily is a victim of spiritual abuse. Were there warning signs?
What is Spiritual Abuse?
C.S. Lewis once said, “Don’t use words too big for the topic. Don’t say “infinitely” once you mean “very”; otherwise, you’ll haven’t any word left when you wish to discuss something really infinite.” I believe his words also apply to a subject like abuse. If we overuse the term, we are going to flatten it in such a way that we’re unable to call especially grievous instances what they’re.
To this end, it is necessary to define spiritual abuse. One of the higher ones that I’ve read comes from Michael Kruger:
Spiritual abuse, then, is when a spiritual leader— comparable to a pastor, elder, or head of a Christian organization — wields his position of spiritual authority in such a way that he manipulates, domineers, bullies, and intimidates those under him, as a method of accomplishing what he takes to be biblical and/or spiritual goals.[1]
Darby Strickland’s definition adds a very important layer as well: “Spiritual abuse occurs when an oppressor establishes control and domination through the use of Scripture, doctrine or his “leadership role” as a weapon. This type of abuse will be subtle because it may possibly mask itself as a spiritual practice.”[2]
I believe it’s going to be helpful for us to contemplate a couple of things, which are spiritual abuse, after which to present a couple of signs that you simply are in a culture that’s at risk of spiritual abuse. If a few of these cultural things are present, it may not mean that you simply are being abused but quite that you simply are in an unhealthy culture. There is a difference. It is abuse when the person is using spiritual authority (or religion) to control, coerce, control, and/or exploit you.
Let’s consider Emily’s story and dissect what was actually spiritual abuse.
3 Indicators of Spiritual Abuse
At what point in Emily’s story do you’re thinking that the spiritual abuse began? It’s hard to discern, isn’t it? That is the character of this sort of abuse. It crosses between acceptable things and even what the gospel may require us—into something entirely different. Often, we will only see this in hindsight.
1. When you’re being controlled
Perhaps my readers who’re versed in Greek caught a bit clue within the name of the church. Krateo is a word that may mean to own power, but within the New Testament, it often means to apprehend or control something. We’re often drawn to power. We like certainty. And we like the safety which power can often provide for us. However, that power was soon used against her in Emily’s story.
One of her first clues must have been their tendency to isolate from family and friends. It became obvious once they interfered in her budding relationship with Paul. Again, the Bible does talk about healthy relationships. Church leaders actually have the purview to offer counsel and direction. But a healthy leader seeks your good, offering wisdom and guidance while respecting your freedom to make those decisions. Conversely, control makes the choice for you and punishes you if you happen to fail to follow.
Diagnostic Question: Does the preaching and counsel leave me within the hands of Christ or within the hands of the leadership?
2. When you’re being manipulated
Manipulation will also be difficult to detect. I gave you a bit clue once I referred to the sermons as “hard-hitting but relevant.” From the surface, these sermons appear like the pastor is passionate and standing upon truth. But after a chronic exposure, you start to understand that the Word of God is used against people as an alternative of pointing to Christ. If you are usually not on the receiving end of a cudgel, you possibly can likely justify it as a vital fight against evil. But when you’re the one experiencing those barbs, it takes on latest meaning.
You can imagine a scenario where, after a conversation about her battle with depression and needing a break, she is treated to a sermon on “Giving It All for Christ.” None of the opposite congregants would know he was talking about Emily, but Emily would know. And it might signal to her that she isn’t secure to precise any concerns. Her personal struggles were twisted to suit their narrative and to serve their ends.
Diagnostic Question: Is God’s Word used against others or to point to what Christ has completed?
3. When fear is used as a weapon
Spiritual abuse thrives on fear—fear of God’s punishment, of losing your community, and of losing your standing with God. This is why those early movements of isolation were so essential to take care of the abuse. It’s not only to shut out the surface and contrary points but in addition to make you entirely alone. In Emily’s case, this fear was used to regulate her actions. They implied that she would face spiritual consequences if she didn’t sacrifice enough or fully commit to the Krateo way.
Their lack of reciprocity compounded her fear. You can see within the story what number of demands were placed on Emily—but these were entirely one-sided. When she needed her Krateo “family,” they weren’t there for her. She was expected to present time, energy, and resources but had no corresponding care from her leadership. The emptier she became, the more dependent she became on the group she found herself in. Every step she took felt prefer it was outside the boundaries and would result in God’s disfavor. Because of this, she could blame all those feelings of emptiness, shame, and guilt for her actions as an alternative of those of the leaders.
Diagnostic Question: Is your relationship along with your church a partnership?
When we’re being spiritually manipulated, controlled, and made to fear, this constitutes spiritual abuse. You can experience spiritual abuse across a spectrum of intensity. Some instances is perhaps more subtle and cause minimal harm. Others might be severe and create lasting and significant harm. Often, the degree of severity relies on how deeply abuse is engrained within the culture of the church.
Signs of a Church Susceptible to Abuse
There are many signs that a church culture is perhaps at risk of abuse. That doesn’t mean that abuse is happening, but only that the culture is ripe for it. Next month, we are going to consider these in additional depth. For now, consider a couple of things from Emily’s story.
Did you notice that Krateo seems to have a culture of secrecy and “trust the leadership”? That is something present in almost every culture where significant abuse happens. A lack of awareness and transparency is often there for a reason. Often, very dark secrets are being held. When you can not ask questions, this can be a red flag.
While Emily was withering away, you possibly can almost guarantee that her leaders were “thriving.” Andy Crouch gives us some essential words on this point:
The best test of any institution, and particularly of any institution’s roles and rules for using power, is whether or not everyone flourishes when everyone indwells their roles and plays by the foundations or whether only a couple of participants experience abundance and growth.[3]
Emily was fulfilling her roles and withering. Abundance and growth looked as if it would occur only in a single direction—and when Emily was struggling, she was solid aside. If you’re questioning whether or not you’re in an abusive church, consider the query Crouch poses. If everyone does their “job,” would everyone thrive?
Join us next time for signs your church is at risk of spiritual abuse.
[1] https://michaeljkruger.com/what-is-spiritual-abuse/
[2] https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/what-is-spiritual-abuse-in-marriage/
[3] Andy Crouch, Playing God, 185
Photo Credit: ©Priscilla du Preez/Unsplash
Mike Leake is husband to Nikki and father to Isaiah and Hannah. He can be the lead pastor at Calvary of Neosho, MO. Mike is the creator of Torn to Heal and Jesus Is All You Need. His writing house is http://mikeleake.net and you possibly can connect with him on Twitter @mikeleake. Mike has a latest writing project at Proverbs4Today.
