In a previous article, we checked out the definition of each “martyr” and “martyr complex.” We discussed some biblical examples of what it looks wish to adopt the stance of the chronic victim and the way this negatively affects one’s life. Now, let’s consider some crucial differences between real victimization and the victim or martyr complex. We will consider its root, a few of the real suffering attributable to this distortion of truth, and the generosity of God towards those that view themselves as martyrs.
One mental health author indicates that there may be several possible root causes for martyr syndrome, and the outward expression includes several possible traits. For example, besides “regularly sacrificing their very own needs for the needs of others,” additionally they struggle to determine healthy boundaries, work an excessive amount of, and desire attention.
Failure to say “no” is an example of not seeting boundaries, or for selecting to work long hours for a very long time, resulting in exhaustion. Another example is when someone shares an excessive amount of information with virtual strangers, which may help to discover the motive for a martyr complex.
One motive is narcissism. An individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder demonstrates “a persistent need for admiration. In a narcissistic martyr, that need for admiration and praise may play a key role of their self-sacrificing behaviors.” Another reason for acting like a martyr is to control others by encouraging them to feel guilty – someone with NPD is expert at emotional control.
Another reason to adopt a martyr complex is that the person’s priorities are unhealthy. They surrender necessities to supply a baby, spouse, or friend with something that is just too expensive. People in healthcare push themselves too far, as do teachers, cops, and infrequently parents. “Caring for a baby with a big health condition may lead parents or caregivers to develop martyr-like characteristics,” while any sense of “job insecurity or the need for a pay rise, bonus, or promotion may result in martyrdom at work.”
A desire to assist or to take care of family is nice, but to not the extent that one causes self-harm consequently. This only makes the beneficiaries of those good intentions feel terrible and only offers short-term advantages. Martyrs fall prey to exhaustion, heart problems, stroke, and workplace injury.
Illusion or Reality?
These categories appear to cover plenty of scenarios, and maybe most persons are guilty of being false martyrs sometimes. But is there such a thing as true martyrdom which just isn’t illusory?
Whether from a secular or a Christian perspective, examining emotional responses, motives, and rewards is a great technique to start. Did you ask for the entire responsibilities you might be facing? Is abuse involved, consequently of which saying “no” could lead on to emotional or physical violence or oppression of some kind?
In the last instance, the “reward” is just safety. Breaking freed from the cycle here will involve counseling and potentially law enforcement and can result in unavoidable but necessary conflict. It takes courage to arise to an abuser by reaching out for help. When a habit of abuse has been established, even getting away isn’t any guarantee that the sufferer will understand that it’s protected to say “no” in a recent, protected context, and a “complex” might understandably develop.
But a sinful response is to take that habit of finding safety in compliance right into a protected place and putting responsibility onto protected people which just isn’t theirs to bear. Understandably, it takes time to interrupt this habit, and a survivor of abuse needs time, grace.Yet, additionally it is tempting to pursue the rewards of a martyr’s status: positive attention, affirmation, even affection. The emotional high of hearing a lot praise or sympathy results in sin.
A handy guide is to ask what you do whenever you imagine you might be slighted, whom you tell, and what the rewards are. The “victim” regularly chooses listeners who is not going to ask probing, reasonable questions. The so-called victim prefers half-hearted sympathy and impotent commiseration over self-examination. Others attempt to talk sense, but this person becomes defensive and offended. The “victim’s” response is usually extremely emotional and sometimes irrational, disconnected from any obvious trigger. It seems as if she or he blew up over nothing when, in truth, the issues began hours and even days ago.
One might discover someone with a martyr complex by the frequent cycle of recent friends (old ones begin to ask good questions within the name of truth and love.) You will rapidly realize that the person is self-consumed and talks quite a bit about how she or he has come to be a martyr. Usually, the report is stuffed with “woe is me” comments, and this individual doesn’t take any responsibility.
Self-Awareness and Martyrdom
You may very well be the victim of an ongoing attack in your character, in your peace, and even in your physical person. In that case, the victimization is real. Yet, in the event you are generally susceptible to negativity and self-focus, it’s difficult to know what’s true and what’s a distortion of reality. Jesus instructed his listeners thus:
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you’ve gained your brother.” – Matthew 18:15
The best technique to figure this out is to speak with the person you think is persecuting you if that is protected and applicable.
When one is being persecuted or being overworked but doesn’t suffer from a distorted and negative view of reality, the attitude is notably different from that of a self-styled martyr. This individual is positive and realistic: maintaining long hours at work is doable within the short term, and the reward is price it. He or she’s going to not draw attention to the sacrifices being made.
“But whenever you give to the needy, don’t let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.” – Matthew 6:3
The only time to attract attention is when it’s loving to accomplish that. A climate of criticism and putative crisis is a cry for attention and a technique to hide at the identical time. There is prestige in suffering, even a level of fame. Survivors are respected, but their so-called suffering masks the true problems at play. Someone with a martyr complex probably DOES suffer, but attending to the foundation of that problem feels too hard, even shameful. A martyr complex is a great distraction.
Our Sin, Our Savior
Balogh points out that such distortions and distractions disable our ability to see sin in our own lives. “A victim mentality magnifies the harm done to us and minimizes our own sinfulness.” We might admit that we’re sinners in a general sense, but “our sin is nothing in comparison with what others have done to us.” Yet, there are frequently two sides to the issue unless the sin committed against an individual was blatantly one-sided, corresponding to a violent attack.
Sin separates us from God once we refuse to acknowledge and repent. We cannot hear him talking to us through prayer or the Word or through friends. In fact, we are inclined to run away from God once we are caught up in unacknowledged sin. It is our nature to cover, as Adam and Eve did. Even though God asked them, “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9), he knew where they were. Shame drove Adam and Eve into hiding despite the futility of their efforts. Adopting a false identity as a “martyr” is a great distraction from our real pain, but God can see inside all and sundry’s mind and heart.
Says Balogh, “When we’re blind to our own sin, we’re blind to our need for rescue from sin. We’re blind to our need for a Saviour. And that’s a spiritually dangerous situation to be in.” As a Hungarian, he was taught from a young age to treat other nations as oppressors and Hungarians as victims. “Hungarian history isn’t an easy case of Hungarians being innocent victims. Often, Hungarians did evil things to others too”. Scale this scenario all the way down to the story of a family where parents taught their children to imagine they were never responsible for anything they did improper, where self-reflection and consideration for others weren’t taught or modeled. The responsibility still falls to that son or daughter to vary the narrative, and it just isn’t too late for mom and pa either.
Self-styled “victims” receive sympathy, attention, and kindness. What they miss, nevertheless, is the mercy God offers to repentant sinners and an awareness of his generosity towards us personally. “Repentance is less about feeling bad over behavior and more about feeling awe and delight towards God. The more glimpses we have now of the glory of God, the more we mourn for scorning that glory”, writes Matt Erbaugh. Repentance is a present, and style is an invite to actually and fully address a martyr mentality.
Consider it All Joy
What incentive is there for undertaking the labor to follow? In the third and last a part of this series, we’ll consider some positive examples from Scripture and the way they promote each the answer and the rationale to undertake the challenge of breaking this exhausting cycle. In the meantime, it’s price noting that even self-inflicted problems are still trials that the Lord has allowed us to endure for our own good and for his glory. It is suitable for family members to be supportive and to acknowledge the problem of letting go of a system for coping with stress or controlling one’s environment out of fear while learning to trust that God has a greater way. There is every reason to rejoice because change is feasible, and the Lord will walk with the one who desires to be transformed.
“Consider all of it joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” (James 1:2).
Transformation hurts, but Christ refuses to allow us to walk through it without him.
Read Part 1, What Is Martyrdom?
Sources: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-heart-of-true-repentance
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/martyr-complex#effects-on-health
Photo Credit: SWN Design
