We are quick to point fingers and proclaim, “Pride cometh before the autumn!” (our often hasty, not-exactly-correct quotation of Proverbs 16:18).
But how often are we whispering this truth to ourselves, telling those inner, most selfish parts of our being to stop because someone or something else is more essential? How often will we quiet our souls long enough to acknowledge where we is likely to be at fault for things? I’d say we rarely, if ever, consider our own hearts and the ways pride has threatened our relationships. As with the splinter (Matthew 7:3-5), the tiniest little bit of pridefulness in one other’s eye takes center stage, which lets us forget, if just for a bit, that our own pride is a heavy log pinning our value to the devastating lies we elevate ourselves with.
An Easy Friend
Pride is difficult, but he’s quite the ego-booster. That’s what makes him really easy to befriend. He at all times makes an awesome first impression, so, on the surface, he appears quite likable. He’s quick to maintain you within the highlight. In fact, he comes off so humble that he doesn’t need to let you know his name. No, it’s all about you since it should be all about you. You deserve it, right? Subtlety is his job, and he does it well—too well.
Pride is far quieter and more sneaky than boastfulness, so once you’ve got let him in your inner circle, in your heart and mind, he continues flattering you with simply enough fanfare that it seems he’s only mentioning the plain:
Of course, you alone are the rationale this household stays afloat. You’re the just one who knows the name of the youngsters’ pediatrician, whose soccer practice is where, and if you’re out of bathroom paper. You make all of the lunches, clean up all of the messes, and are left to balance sensory overload with the rest that have to be done. Meanwhile, this man you married comes home from work simply to throw his muddy boots on the ground, leave a plate of crumbs on the couch, and grumble all of the solution to bedtime. It’s not nagging or instigating an argument in case you call out who’s pulling more weight around here. Facts are facts. You deserve your thanks.
Of course, you’re beautiful. Your oh-so-platonic relationship along with your coworker hasn’t crossed a line just because he doesn’t mind calling out how attractive you’re. You’ve been busting your tail on the gym; you’ve been dedicated to a strict weight loss program. You’ve done the work, so no less than anyone is celebrating you. (It’s not like your husband pays you attention anyway…)
Pride’s words plant simply enough ego, simply enough realism, in your heart to take root and grow into something diabolical, but he sneaks off before anything poisonous sprouts. He’s not going to be closely associated along with your downfall. He can’t afford to be blamed because he still has plenty more reasons to circle back and sow much more discord into your heart. He has an excessive amount of fun destroying your relationships with others, particularly along with your spouse, to be caught along with his hand on this debilitating cookie jar.
Even worse, he detonated the bomb in your soul, but you’ll be the just one left to choose up the broken pieces—even those that won’t ever fit back together.
Some friend this pride guy is, huh?
I encourage you to think about the ominous way pride stealthily plants himself deep in your heart and mind. He plays a bit game most of us are familiar and cozy with, but when we recognize his moves, we are able to uproot him before he chokes our most sacred relationships.
The Familiar Game
Have you ever played the sport Two Truths and a Lie? Players take turns going across the circle and sharing three “facts”—except certainly one of them isn’t a fact. It’s a lie. Everyone else then shares which fact they think is the lie.
Players use all their knowledge about that person to guess which statement couldn’t possibly be true. In theory, in case you know an individual well, in case you’ve been friends for some time and have a very good idea of their personality, it’s harder for them to drag off the lie. That’s the one solution to “strategize” while playing this guessing game.
That’s why pride is commonly a winner. He befriends you, he gets to know you intimately—in ways you may not even fully know yourself. He recognizes your triggers, your insecurities, and your deepest desires, and he exploits them. He’s great at presenting you with an inventory of “truths” that aren’t at all times fact.
He knows you desire to be seen, to be recognized for the love you pour out in behind-the-scenes ways. He takes this information and plays his own cruel version of Two Truths and a Lie:
Yes, you cook and clean and supply in your family so well.
Yes, you’re exhausted after a protracted day, and rightfully so.
Yes, carrying the mental and emotional load of the family gives you the suitable to remind your husband that he doesn’t.
He’s so good at presenting the healthy facts first, so it’s easy for him to sneak the lies where you are feeling most unfulfilled. He uses your longing and wish for acceptance to force a deeper wedge between you and your spouse who could, to a God-ordained degree, provide that acceptance and human intimacy you wish.
The Way to Win
The only solution to win at this game is to acknowledge pride’s lies for what they’re—and the earlier, the higher. 2 Corinthians 10:5 offers this strategy, “We demolish arguments and each pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
We only take heed to and are deceived by the lies that we allow space in our minds. We are humans, which implies we can have some vile, wild thoughts. (I actually have Intrusive Thought Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder—trust me, I do know.) But what matters is what we do with those initial thoughts. If a thought flies through our mind in anger, we must weigh it against whatever is true and right and wonderful (Philippians 4:8), but we must also recognize our fickle emotions that feed pride’s lies to start with.
When a thought isn’t rooted in love or is subject to anything from sadness to loneliness to anger or depression, we must uproot it, show it the door, and stop to replay it.
When we sift our thoughts through God’s love and practice self-awareness, pride has nowhere to cover. God’s love will call him into the sunshine, where he has no alternative but to flee, and our self-awareness will call us to private conviction where we hold no space for conversation with anyone or anything but God.
Is this easy? No. If it was easy, people wouldn’t make a profession out of offering marriage counseling. If this was easy, petty fights wouldn’t exist. Divorce wouldn’t be in our vocabulary. Love could be perfect.
But until the day Jesus rights all wrongs and love is made fully perfect in each of us, let’s pay attention to the sport pride plays so when it’s your turn, you’ll be able to call out the lies, dismantle their destruction, and have victory in your marriage.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/jeffbergen
