Over the past three years, we now have grown from a family of 5 to a family of seven through foster care and adoption. It’s been a wild ride! We went in scared but enthusiastic, and as we now have moved along this journey, we’ve seen God provide for our family in truly miraculous ways. As our kids have change into more settled in our home and have began to grow past being babies, we’re beginning to see the results of trauma and substance exposure on their precious lives. The major thing I actually have learned as I’m working from a spot of stress towards proficiency is that I want more tools and a much bigger village to parent my kids who’ve been impacted by trauma well.
There is one other truth that has taken a while for me to digest, and that’s that each adoption comes with wins and losses. When we step into the role of foster, kinship, or adoptive parent, it is important that we make room in our hearts for each the enjoyment that comes with loving a baby in addition to the grief that’s unavoidable when a baby isn’t capable of be raised by their birth parents. Acknowledging the complexity of adoption doesn’t diminish the role we now have in our youngsters’ lives but only makes us more open to offering them the love and support that they need as they undergo the lifelong technique of reconciling what they’ve lost and who they’re.
That being said, I’ve learned quickly that parenting children with a trauma history is difficult. There is lots of confusion, a general lack of support, the necessity for higher education on the ways in which our youngsters’ brains and bodies are impacted by their history, and greater than anything, I actually have to grapple with the truth that I’m not an ideal parent. The guilt of not doing all of it perfectly as a mom lands harder when I actually have chosen to step into not only a parenting role for my children, but I’m committed to being a healing agent of their lives as well. I recognize that their behavior is a results of an injury, but once I behave poorly, it’s the results of a mom who’s ill-prepared to bear the burdens of her children.
In the center of the labor, I used to be encouraged by mothers who’ve gone before me with children whose brains work in another way, not because of trauma but because of developmental differences, to achieve out and gather more support. They were so very right. I want a team as a mom with children who’ve special circumstances. We all need a village as parents, but as a foster and adoptive mom, you wish a special type of village.
Here are some practical things I’ve learned as I’ve gathered more support for our family:
1. Trauma Impacts Brains and Bodies
Trauma impacts brains and bodies. My children are normally developed kiddos who process the world in another way, which ends up in a greater frequency, intensity, and duration of typical preschooler struggles because of the trauma and substance exposure they endured before they may even talk. A number of times, my kids can’t inform you how they felt once they went through those tough things. Many well-meaning people need to discount the profound impact of those events, but science tells us that preverbal trauma is real and early intervention is vital.
I share this since it’s easy to overlook among the more subtle ways trauma is impacting how your child interacts with the world once they are young. It’s easy for family and friends to see a “normal-looking” child, so that they need to discount the ways in which your loved ones may have support since the differences you see are in the main points. Young kids with a known preverbal trauma history profit from early interventions. Their young brains are more open to learning coping skills, strategies, and recent pathways that result in health.
For one among my kids, we only see the very subtle differences in how they take on this planet, but these differences are consistent with what is generally reported to be more obvious at age 7 and eight with children which were exposed to drugs in utero. We could overlook or wait to handle the sensory-seeking behaviors, or we are able to start now teaching us all tips on how to higher help them handle the world around them. Learning about how early experiences impact your kid helps you higher advocate for them from a young age.
2. Employ Olympic Level Self-Care
What you didn’t know is that you have got joined the Olympics of parenting! Welcome to the club!
As a member of this special elite group of fogeys, you have got to employ Olympic levels of self-care in your life, or you’ll get burnt out. All parenting is difficult, but parenting kids with a trauma history is admittedly, really hard. Knowing that being extremely proactive about caring for your individual brain and body isn’t selfish; it’s the perfect technique to love your kids the way in which they should be loved. Your self-care is about them greater than it’s about you.
Parents of youngsters with these sorts of needs often suffer from secondary trauma, health issues, mental health struggles, and more. Your body keeps rating similar to your kiddo’s body does. This is just a part of being human; we feature the burden of one another’s struggles, and as a parent, we should be proactive in staying fit enough to steer our family towards health.
Figure out what nourishes your mind, body, soul, relationships, and spirit. I’d make a listing and consider tips on how to do these items on a day by day, weekly, monthly, and quarterly timeframe. Get your village involved, allow them to babysit, and schedule those big breaks from the children a couple of times a 12 months. I do know your parental guilt is yelling no, I can’t leave my kid, but I’m telling you it’s higher for the each of you when you spend money on some kid-free time a couple of days out of the 12 months. Do it for them.
3. Find Your Team
All this being said, it could possibly only be done with a team! It takes time to seek out your team and lots of trial and error. We spent a complete 12 months going to play therapy that I felt did nothing for my daughter, but I wanted to complete what we began, so we stuck with it. Now, we’re on a waitlist for a trauma and attachment-informed therapist because finding the correct people to support your loved ones takes effort and time.
I highly recommend starting Occupational Therapy in case your child has a trauma history or was exposed to substances in utero. Most times kids with these experiences have sensory processing issues. Either they’re under-sensitive to stimulus-seeking input, which could seem like ADHD or ODD, or they’re extra sensitive to a stimulus, which might seem like a really short window of tolerance. A trauma-informed OT therapist can allow you to and your child construct up skills they need to raised handle the world around them.
Some other great people to become involved with are social staff, doctors, the support of other foster and adoptive parents, parent coaches, supportive friends, family, babysitters, teachers, counselors, childcare staff, therapists, mentors, and more. Your family is special and requires many hands to like one another well!
4. Become Trauma-Informed
At the tip of the day, the truth is you’re crucial healing force in your kid’s life. You are their secure place, their ally, advocate, and first educator, and also you see all of it in relation to the nice, bad, and ugly. It’s vital to have a team, however the day-to-day work of loving your kids well boils right down to you and your companion. Knowing that you simply are here, required to do that work, it’s also as much as you to coach yourself as much as possible.
Being trauma-informed doesn’t mean you change into an ideal parent. I just spoke to my parent coach today, and probably the most encouraging thing she shared was this concept of “adequate” parenting in adoption. Basically, it’s the popularity on this world that we aren’t going to do it perfectly, but that’s okay. She also shared the facility of modeling, expressing that we’re overwhelmed, taking our own time-outs, and apologizing to our youngsters when we want to. Watching us fail and recuperate is an important lesson for our youngsters as well!
There are so many great resources to study trauma, but some that I like are the next:
This is only a drop within the bucket! There are so many great books on trauma, attachment, adoption, and more. I make it some extent to at the very least once a month eat information either through a podcast, seminar, or book that helps to remind me of the special things I want to contemplate as a foster and adoptive mom. I’ll never realize it all so I have to remain dedicated to continue to learn, growing, trusting God, and advocating for my family.
Related Resource: Attention Please! Understanding ADHD in Kids and Adults
ADHD is greater than only a label – it’s a fancy condition that impacts how our brains process information, manage emotions, and reply to the world around us. Whether you are a parent coping with ADHD yourself or raising kids who’re, understanding this condition is an important first step in making a supportive and thriving family environment. If this episode helps you be a more thoughtful parent or grandparent, remember to subscribe to Christian Parent, Crazy World on Apple or Spotify so that you never miss an episode!
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