Most of us don’t like being told “No.”
This seemingly harmless two-letter word can unleash a tsunami of emotions we can have neatly packed away and labeled with a Sharpie, “off limits.” The reality is we frequently hear greater than is being said once we find ourselves on the sending or receiving end of a “no.” While an individual may simply be setting a boundary, we may hear a challenge to our identity and authority, which might feel scary and potentially threatening.
I remember the primary time my cute, little, fat-cheeked, can-do-no-wrong, 1-year-old exercised his human autonomy and told me, “No!” His favorite word quickly became my least. It was as if he proudly pinned a golden badge on his chest, signaling to us all there was a recent sheriff in his toddler town who wielded the facility to set down the law. My heart questioned how dare this little rascal, who I labored 47 hours to get here, tell me what he was unwilling to do. Blindsided by his response, I forgot the essential truth that God hardwired each of us to begin setting boundaries at an early age.
Psychologists contend that between 1 and three years of age, toddlers begin asserting their independence. With a toddler’s first “no,” parents gain clarity and insight into their child’s true desires and needs, requiring fewer assumptions. According to the famous developmental psychologist Erik Erickson, a parent’s response to their toddler’s newfound autonomy is pivotal and may affect their development well into maturity. Critical responses from a caregiver signal to children it’s dangerous to set boundaries, while patient and loving responses communicate that setting boundaries is protected and vital.
If you struggle with setting boundaries and saying no, you should not alone. A recent study determined almost 60% of Americans have difficulty informing others that a request, motion, or behavior just isn’t acceptable. This statistic begs the query, if we’re wired by God to set boundaries as children, why are they so hard to set as adults? Some of our hesitance will be traced back to our past experiences. When attempts to set boundaries are met with rejection, disappointment, or anger, old hurts, and wounds can surface, causing us to feel reluctant to set boundaries in the longer term.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Vitezslav Vylicil
