“God hates divorce.” Every married Christian within the Western hemisphere is conversant in the Malachi 2:16 verse, likely used to respectively warn and encourage any Christian sister or brother pondering the topic of divorce. I think most of us agree God prefers married people to remain married, and we should always do every part possible to keep up the vows to our partner and the Lord. After all, marriage is a sacred act, the inspiration for family, and divorce is a universally grievous experience.
But just as we live in a fallen world full of broken people and a myriad of circumstances beyond our control, sometimes our vows fail us. Sometimes, the one who swore to like and protect us pivots severely in spirit and behavior, as an alternative bringing pain and harm. Sometimes a spouse turns from the Lord completely, or falls so deeply into sin they lose themselves, and their capability to like. Unforeseen acts like physical abuse, manipulation, and infidelity occur, and we’re left in a pool of unfathomable heartache, looking at a seemingly bottomless chasm between what was promised and what’s.
And other than all of the confusion and difficult questions we’re left battling, we’re often left with the uncomfortable, often polarizing query: Should Christians stay married irrespective of the fee? Is it ever against God’s will to stay in toxic, unhealthy marriages for the sake of keeping our vows? Some say yes. After all, Jesus turned the opposite cheek, suffered at length, and still loved those nailing him to the cross. And let’s remember, marriage is a sacrifice, not a vacation. Bad marriages may feel unbearable, but life isn’t about our happiness, and God is enough.
All that sounds biblically-informed enough, but what about when a wedding involves one spouse dishonoring God by harming the opposite? What does the Bible say about remaining in abusive relationships where behaviors like spiritual manipulation, financial abuse, infidelity, gaslighting, and physical intimidation exist? Can it even be considered a sin to remain married in such sad, extreme cases?
I think the very best place to start is by examining God’s heart and purpose for marriage in the primary place. In Ephesians 5:22, marriage is compared to the connection between Christ and the church, teaching that Christian spouses reflect this mystery. As God willed for Christ and the church to develop into one body (Gal. 3:28, 1 Cor. 12:13), so He desires marriage to reflect this pattern—that the husband and wife develop into one flesh (Gen. 2:24).
In the Catholic faith, Christians imagine that the sacrament of marriage is a public declaration of commitment to a different person and a public statement about God. The loving union of a pair is seen for example of God’s values and family values.
So what does God expect of those partaking within the holy sacrament of marriage? Naturally, I could regurgitate that 1 Corinthians 13 verse (love is patient, love is kind) after which, after all, pivot to the Ephesians 5:25 verse instructing husbands to like their wives as Christ loved the church and wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:22). But it really involves this: the aim of marriage is to exemplify the love of Christ to our spouse, every day. Not only for our own growth and joy but in order that others (our children, colleagues, neighbors, friends) might see God’s nature and provides Him glory. By adopting a way of life of self-sacrifice and unconditional love towards our spouse, we each develop into more like Jesus and, hence, closer to God.
So once we’re talking in regards to the potential of God desiring the obsoletion of those vows, we’re obviously not talking about leaving a wedding resulting from bad habits, character flaws, communication issues, lack of attraction, etc. We’re not talking about being “stuck” with a spouse who has proclivities to sin or stays spiritually complacent or “suffering” through extreme seasons of discontentment or discord. That’s just life. These (and so many others) are common challenges that take sacrifice, compromise, selflessness, patience and probably some decent marriage counseling to work through, with God’s grace. But what about when a spouse begins mistreating the other and is unwilling to alter?
Jesus only names infidelity (Matt. 19:9) as grounds for divorce. Does that mean God expects a spouse to remain married to a physical abuser? What about continued, purposeful verbal attacks? What about an unapologetically intentional habit of a husband or wife acting inappropriately with members of the alternative sex? What would Jesus say to us today if given the possibility to counsel his sweet daughter or son living with a spouse who’s willfully and perpetually violating his or her vows with no signs of true repentance? Would he ever consider it a sin to remain married?
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I think the reply becomes clear as day when exploring the meaning of sin in the primary place. Sin is anything that separates us from God. It may be foul language, idolatry, lying, pride, lust, etc. When we proceed in these behaviors without repenting, the Holy Spirit living in us stays grieved, and we are able to’t enjoy close communion with Him. But how could something good and ordained by God, like marriage, be a sin? The same way all the opposite innately good, godly things like sex (when married), food, wine, work, and entertainment are misused day by day (by tens of millions) and was acts of gluttony, drunkenness, and idolatry.
I might enterprise to say some spouses remain in unhealthy, God-dishonoring marriages not out of duty to their vows but out of sin itself. Some would relatively raise their children under the roof of a manipulating abuser than endure the “shame” and embarrassment of a divorce, hence making the wedding less of a sacrament and more of an idol or perhaps a mockery that grieves the Lord. Marriage license or not, I think when a spouse continually engages in any of the malicious, harmful behaviors mentioned above, their vows have already been broken. And by staying married to a destructive spouse – even within the legal sense- we’re not only enabling sinful behavior, we’re perpetuating a degraded, distorted version of God’s design for marriage in the primary place. And everyone around us pays the worth.
God definitely doesn’t receive glory when children see their mother transmute right into a verbally battered shell of herself by staying with an abusive husband and instituting a sick view of marriage for her children. The great thing about God’s ways just isn’t reflected when friends witness a wife demeaning and brow-beating her husband for years with none sign of regret. The majesty of God’s nature is fascinating friends who watch a husband financially manipulate his wife for years to regulate and possess her.
Notice that the important thing denominators listed here are unwillingness and repentance. The biblical meaning of repentance is popping away from self and to God. It involves a change of mind that results in motion. It’s never okay for a spouse to push one other during a fit of anger. It’s never okay for a spouse to demean one other to tears with their words. It’s never okay to look at porn or flirt with a co-worker. But I do imagine any/all sins can be forgiven and behaviors modified when a spouse experiences true repentance, desires change, and gains trust through proven motion.
In a harmful marriage where the spouse is unwilling or unable to alter unhealthy habits, I think Jesus would say it’s our job to forgive but not reconcile. Because on this side of heaven, there are still consequences, even after forgiveness. Galatians 6:8 says, “Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful desires will harvest the implications of decay and death. But those that live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit.”
There is a method to forgive an abusive spouse without holding any bitterness in our hearts while selecting to go our separate ways. It’s the identical exact concept we see enacted when a Christian pastor commits sexual immorality, adultery, or another egregious act and is rightly removed from leadership. Should he be forgiven by the Lord, his church, and his victims? Absolutely. But forgiveness doesn’t at all times equate to restoration. Just because the fallen pastor loses the privilege of shepherding God’s people, so should an abusing spouse lose the privilege of remaining united to any child of God.
I feel as much as we idolatrize the act of marriage within the Christian life, we also over-villainize divorce to an extent. We make divorce second only to the unpardonable sin. We’ve put divorce on a pedestal of evil, looking down from its throne of doctrinal villainhood upon all of the lesser sins, with gluttony, malice, lying, complaining, coveting, envying, stealing, and cheating shouting upward, “At least we didn’t break our oath to Jesus! At least we didn’t break a family up!”
God at all times values life over law. It’s why Jesus healed a lame man on the Sabbath despite the Pharisees’ condemnation. Staying married to an unrepented spouse bringing continual harm for the sake of “upholding” a sacrament was never God’s intention. While evil exists on this world, so will divorce, and for a few of us, Jesus stays our only true bridegroom. And thankfully, His love never fails, never harms, and at all times endures.
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Jessica Kastner is an award-winning author and creator of Hiding from the Kids in My Prayer Closet. She leads Bible studies inside juvenile detention centers with Straight Ahead Ministries and offers unapologetically real encouragement for girls at Jessicakastner.com.
