Many Bible verses encourage us to resolve conflict inside our families, churches and communities. Here are only a couple of examples:
“Live in harmony with one another… do all that you may to live in peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:16-18, NLT)
“God blesses those that work for peace, for they might be called the youngsters of God” (Matthew 5:9)
“So if you happen to are presenting a sacrifice on the altar within the Temple and also you suddenly keep in mind that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there on the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.” (Matthew 5:23-24)
Yet making peace is commonly easier said than done. To get more inspiration and guidance for the challenge, it is important to delve deeper into the Bible to learn the best way to resolve conflict and improve our relationships.
Consider our own faults
It’s a natural human tendency in charge others for problems and ignore the contribution that we ourselves have made to a conflict. Jesus said that examining ourselves and finding peace is obligatory, which can help us to guage the issue more accurately: “Why worry a couple of speck in your friend’s eye when you have got a log in your personal? How can you’re thinking that of claiming to your friend, ‘Let me enable you to do away with that speck in your eye,’ when you possibly can’t see past the log in your personal eye? Hypocrite! First do away with the log in your personal eye; you then will see well enough to cope with the speck in your friend’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5, NLT)
Even if the opposite person has done something that’s clearly incorrect, we will still consider how well we responded to it and if we did anything to worsen the situation. “After a few years of marriage, I can consider just one time I can have been entirely innocent of wrongdoing when Corlette and I had an argument (and I’m probably mistaken about that incident),” writes Christian speaker Ken Sande about his wife, in his book, The Peacemaker (Baker Publishing). “Every other time we’ve experienced a conflict, I either caused it or made it worse through sinful words or actions.”
In the warmth of an argument or when brooding over another person’s obvious faults, we will easily miss our own wrongs. Going somewhere quiet to hope truthfully and examine our motives is useful, and writing it down. Have I been selfish? Irritable? Greedy? What expectations am I imposing on others in a self-centred way? Am I wanting to be right and/or wanting to indicate myself higher than another person? Have I misinterpreted the opposite person’s motives or thought the worst of them? Am I having fun with being offended for some reason?
Unless we’re honest with ourselves, our own bad motives and drives can smash any further motion we take to resolve a conflict.
Can the offence be neglected?
Calming down can often bring light and perspective right into a situation, and make it seem less vital or highlight contributing aspects. Does it really matter? Is the one that offended you having a difficult time, that I can offer help with? Am I expecting perfect behaviour that I do not display myself? Is the row a one-off or unlikely to be repeated?
Proverbs 19:11 says: “Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.” If it’s possible to let it go, it’s good to achieve this. But if you happen to imagine that somebody – including yourself – is being harmed, it’s best to take motion.
Talking to the offender
In Matthew 18:13-15 Jesus offers a transparent set of steps to take if someone has hurt you. First, go to the person to debate it. If there is no such thing as a progress, then take one or two individuals with you. If this does not work, then ask the church to intervene, after which “treat them as a tax collector,” which Sande interprets as imposing church discipline.
If the issue is damaging your relationship and you possibly can’t let go of it, then it’s clever to speak. So long as you might be protected, step one is to approach the person concerned. Sande suggests having a humble attitude and asking for forgiveness for our own part in the issue. He also advises to arrange well and consider the issue from the opposite person’s side: what are their interests? Why might they be seeing this in another way from you?
Approaching someone angrily with judgement or blame is unlikely to work, nevertheless. Pray for compassion and guidance. But if discussing it calmly hasn’t worked, you then might need another person to help.
Getting outside help
Sande advises attempting to agree with the opposite person on who can be best to enable you to discuss the issue together. If it’s a private matter, a church minister is perhaps appropriate, or a mutual friend who has understanding in the realm, or who you’re thinking that has wisdom or experience that can help. If they’re expert, they’ll enable you to to debate the issue together and see if you happen to can find an answer yourselves, or they may offer suggestions for a way forward themselves.
Seeking consequences
If someone has harmed one other, it may possibly help them to face consequences for his or her actions, even in the event that they apologise and see that they’ve done something incorrect. This could be so simple as paying for damage, depending what the conflict is about.
The church discipline that Jesus advises in Matthew 18 is not fashionable, and is difficult for individuals who prefer to avoid conflict. But it is perhaps helpful. For example, Sande gives an example of a person who was leaving his wife for an additional woman, but began to rethink when his pastor took a stand and said that on this particular situation, he would exclude the person from the church.
Of course, if someone has done something illegal, you could have a legal in addition to an ethical obligation to check with the relevant authorities. This is for your personal protection in addition to the wellbeing of the offender and of other individuals who they may potentially harm.
Being reconciled
Forgiveness and reconciliation could be hard, but Sande cites quite a few examples where it has helped someone to grow in faith, and even to search out it. The potential blessings make the challenge make it worthwhile to pursue peace: inside our own hearts, with others, and with God.
Conflict is not easy, so it’s comprehensible that many individuals avoid coping with it or cannot find ways to resolve difficulties.
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