From Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet” to modern romance books and films, popular culture has long been saturated with the thought of “soulmates”: the idea that all and sundry is destined for an ideal, one-and-only relationship.
But not only is this concept false, it’s harmful to the expansion of promising relationships, said Jason Carroll, director of the family initiative at Brigham Young University’s Wheatley Institute.
“Soulmate pondering” creates “destiny beliefs” Carroll said: the concept a relationship is supposed to be or isn’t meant to be. So as soon as any struggles rise in the connection, individuals with soulmate pondering might assume they’re simply not dating the fitting person — even when the connection has potential.
Carroll was recently the lead researcher on “The Soulmate Trap: Why Embracing Agency-Based Love is the Surest Path to Creating a Flourishing Marriage.” He was joined by University of Alberta professor Adam Galovan and Utah State University associate professor David Schramm.
Published by the Wheatley Institute, the study checked out 615 couples and located that “enduring connection in romantic relationships results more from the private virtues and intentional efforts of the partners, than it does from spontaneous love and emotional spark,” said a BYU news release.
“We see evidence of relationship strengths being created, being made, fairly than being found,” Carroll said, adding, “Rather than trying to seek out your ‘one and only,’ our research really points to the importance of making an ‘just one’ marriage, which really puts commitment and investment and proactive behaviors on the front of it.”
Conversely, soulmate pondering can result in “dating paralysis,” Carroll said, by which an individual doesn’t move forward in any relationship, as an alternative becoming stuck while waiting for the mythical “one.”
With soulmate pondering, “we begin to see people like products,” he said, viewing the connection when it comes to “Is this making me completely satisfied?” as an alternative of “How can I be a greater partner?”
High-connection vs. low-connection couples
The study compared “high-connection” and “low-connection” couples, taking a look at relationship aspects comparable to personal virtues (commitment, compassion, other-centeredness), responsible actions (kindness, quality time, relationship maintenance) and relationship outcomes (satisfaction and meaning in life).
Carroll said “marital satisfaction” has been used as a primary end result variable in marriage research because the Nineteen Thirties. But he and his team felt that “satisfaction” is difficult to define, so as an alternative of using that model, they created a “relational connectivity” model, which focuses on aspects comparable to the strength of intimacy in the connection, the standard of the couple’s connection and the way much the partners are growing.
“That form of measurement approach, fairly than satisfaction, really helps us distinguish that are the … flourishing marriages,” he said.
The study’s findings include:
- Spouses in high-connection marriages rating nearly 3 times higher on commitment to their relationship than spouses in low-connection marriages (72% average percentile rating vs. 26% average percentile rating).
- Spouses in high-connection marriages have a 60% average percentile rating in other-centeredness, in comparison with 21% for low-connection spouses; and high-connection spouses have a 56% average percentile rating in compassion, in comparison with 18% for low-connection spouses.
- High-connection marriages rating over 3 times higher on proactive behaviors than low-connection couples, specifically in spending meaningful time together (71% vs. 19%), doing acts of kindness for one another (72% vs. 18%) and forgiving offenses of their marriage (70% vs. 21%).
- High-connection marriages rating nearly twice as high as spouses in low-connection marriages on relationship maintenance behaviors comparable to addressing problems and finding ways to strengthen their relationship together (53% vs. 30%).
- Spouses in high-connection marriages rating nearly twice as high as spouses in low-connection marriages on their life satisfaction rankings (63% vs. 27%) and the quantity of meaning they’ve of their lives (60% vs. 30%).
Carroll said considered one of the best myths of contemporary dating culture is that an individual will commit to an excellent relationship once they find it. But in point of fact, there’s no such thing as an excellent relationship without commitment, he said.
The high-connection couples, who proactively construct their relationships, are evidence of that, he said. “[The study] gives us a great sense that those [high-commitment behaviors] really are the foundations of a loving and lasting marriage.”
Creating an enduring relationship
Soulmate pondering can also be contributing to the common age of marriage rising — and to higher rates than ever of people that have never been married. The Pew Research Center reported that, as of 2023, only 29% of young adults ages 25 to 29 are married, in comparison with 50% in 1993; and as of 2021, 1 / 4 of U.S. 40-year-olds had never been married, up from only 6% in 1980.
Carroll said that for some, “marriage delayed” is becoming “marriage foregone.” And soulmate pondering could be influencing this trend by convincing folks that if the connection is correct, they’ll comprehend it with absolute certainty, he said.
A healthier approach is acknowledging that growth and struggle are a part of any maturing process, and addressing problems as they arise, he continued.
That’s to not say that actually harmful or abusive behaviors ought to be ignored, Carroll clarified. But within the face of “garden variety” ups and downs, soulmate pondering can create unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should appear to be.
Another essential aspect of relationships is a healthy dating trajectory, he continued. Commitment shouldn’t occur abruptly; fairly, it should progress over time from committing to a single date together, to committing to exclusive dating, to committing to marriage. The exact timing can look different for every couple, so the secret’s being tuned in to when a relationship is able to progress.
But if someone is always enthusiastic about other dating possibilities, “that’s very different than the mindset of realizing … ‘I want to seek out [someone with] shared values … And then we’ve got to make this. We’ve got to create this,’” Carroll said, adding, “If you look under the hood of a flourishing marriage … you’ll find those proactive behaviors and people personal virtues.”
Carroll encouraged single adults to pursue dating intentionally and to look for shared values.
He also reminded them that, “Love at all times favors the daring.”
“There’s the courage a part of dating … Don’t get too fearful about initial rejection or [people] that don’t reciprocate,” Carroll said. “If you retain making those efforts … they sometimes are inclined to get some traction and [there] are inclined to be some opportunities that can emerge.”
